Thinking About Not Thinking

I’m  a mess of contradictions. If I don’t have plans more than two days in a row, like say a weekend, I’ll crave socialization by the last day. I’ll volunteer to go almost anywhere just to get out of the house. Then if I am busy for whatever reason, I’ll miss days where I can sleep late and stay in my pajamas. Recharging my energy on those days allows me to function in society until the next pajama day comes around.

My last day of work was Friday, but this week is still busy. Friday night I slept over my friend’s house, went to a fair the next day, then had Mother’s Day brunch with family. Yesterday I went into the city for my MRI and today I went to my aunt’s house. Tomorrow will be lunch with my ex-coworkers, then this Saturday is my other aunt and new uncle’s “wedding reception” dinner (they got married in a courthouse a month ago…long story).  Next week will probably be slower but right now I feel like I’m in a funk, and I can’t pinpoint what it is. I should be fine since I had a pajama day on Monday.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy spending time with these people and want to socialize. And at home I’m even writing more. In the back of my mind though I’m just…tired? A little down?

Yes there’s the unemployment thing, and the surgery thing. But I’m not sad about those, you know? I’m not “upset.” However, I don’t think my stress completely went away during my Atlantic City weekend in late April. It’s just…evolved. I feel like I’m purposely not thinking about my upcoming surgery all the time. Whenever I start thinking of a related topic I stop because it makes me anxious.

I don’t want to deal with anything right now. That might be the cause of my funk.


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