Reactions are sometimes unpredictable. Typically, I can write essays about the most random, pointless topics just from the jumble of thoughts in my head, no prompting necessary. Many have been posted on this blog. I ramble about any topic that crosses my mind on an average day.
So you’d think, when something big happens in my life, the first thing I’d want to do is write a blog post about it. Instead, my surgery is tomorrow and I almost didn’t post anything. This is why I never kept a diary. I don’t enjoy rattling off daily events. To me, there’s no point unless I put thought behind it, or tie multiple events together to see how they fit. I’d rather post my insights or my view of how something should be. No matter how exciting events might be to the person living them, people on the outside won’t get it unless they relate to it. Unless this person is a relevant celebrity – then everyone cares about everything, no matter how minor the event.
Anyway, that’s part of my hesitation. The other, much bigger part is how I react to major events. I don’t like to examine them. Once my nerves have settled down to a resting state, I’d rather not stir them up again. I’m glad the clearance went through and I’m good to go for tomorrow, but at the same time, I don’t want to think about surgery tomorrow. All anyone’s been saying is that I’ve been through worse. This is true, but this surgery is tomorrow while “worse” is in the distant past. I can’t help the irrational fears and exaggerated “what ifs” that make me forget why I wanted this surgery in the first place.
At least I go to the hospital in the morning tomorrow, so I’ll have a little less time to freak myself out. I might start posting again as early as next week if I have enough energy for it.