Goodbye to the Now

Goodbyes are weird. In particular, work goodbyes deserve their own category.

The weirdest part of this specific goodbye is that it feels like a graduation. We’re all leaving on the exact same terms. No one was “fired,” or wanted to leave before this went down. (Well…except me, maybe? I’d planned to send out resumes again but thought my old job would be there until I was ready.) When the news first broke that our boss was closing the company, we experienced our varying stages of grief – denial, anger, it was all there. Now we’re all on that ‘acceptance’ level together. Along with the acceptance exists an underlying sadness. Most have our next steps in place, but we’re still upset that this phase of our lives is over.

Tomorrow is the last day for many of us, myself included. I don’t like goodbyes because they’re awkward. Sad, yes, but to me they can also be insincere. The majority of coworkers are people you only see at work. No matter how close you get, how much you feel like a family, you see each other on a daily basis because you earn a paycheck together. That is another reason it reminds me of graduation. You’re bound to be closer to some people than others, and those you aren’t close to will become a memory unless you happen to run into them again. It’s not done maliciously. Life happens. You’ll think of them in passing, when that one thing reminds you of something they said or did, but you probably won’t keep in touch aside from a random Facebook conversation.

So doesn’t that make your goodbye with them disingenuous? Hugging them, exclaiming “I’ll miss you so much!” when neither of you really mean it?

On the other hand, there are the coworkers who have become friends. These are the people you text outside of work, meet up with on weekends, wonder about when they use a personal day. You will miss seeing these people on a daily basis. However, you’ll also see them again. You’ll text updates and plan dinners.

So then why does it require an emotional goodbye? Why bother when they will still be there?

In these situations, I don’t believe the goodbye is about the individual person. We’re saying goodbye to a shared chapter of our lives. We are mourning “the end of an era” together, consoling each other, assuring each other that our future is brighter than the now. That’s hard for us to believe because the “now” is so comforting. It’s where we went through changes in our lives and survived them together. We like ourselves here, and don’t know how we’ll be when our lives settle back down. Goodbyes on the last day provide closure. We can turn this now into the past and start to define the next one.

So maybe I shouldn’t consider goodbyes individual entities, and instead, embrace the bigger picture. We will all miss our “now.”

 

Anxiety stems from knowing there are goals we should be achieving, but due to circumstances that seem beyond our control, we aren’t. This could be any goal no matter how big, small, or completely inconsequential it might seem to those on the outside. Obsessing leads to fear of accomplishing these goals, to avoiding them, to becoming what people label as “insecure.”

I have no idea what I’m saying. Sounded good, right?

This tumbled around in my head while I thought about the next couple weeks after my job ends. I’d like to believe I’ve grown a lot over the last few years. My job has almost been like College 2.0, a training ground where I adjusted to a typical corporate environment, bonded with my coworkers, and took on more responsibility. I can still be a loner introvert, but I’ve noticed that I’m way more likely tell people exactly how I feel and brush off daily obstacles. I also take on new challenges without worrying as much if I’ll be able to figure them out on my own.

The Internet helped. I’ve become even more honest on Twitter and other platforms, while pulling back stuff that made me look stay-the-hell-away-from-that-girl crazy. I’ve met some really great people online, and almost never got negative feedback from strangers. I’ve been lucky in that sense.

In the past I always earned above-average grades, but didn’t have confidence outside of school. The year after college was a nightmare because I wasn’t getting interviews and struggled to set realistic career goals. I didn’t want to be a “regular” print/broadcast journalist even though I had a journalism degree, but I didn’t know what else to do either. Why don’t they have college classes that tell you what to do after graduation? Why don’t they have classes on pursuing a career related to your field, even if it’s not exactly what the major’s for, or not making an ass of yourself during the job interviews you eventually manage to get? Where were those classes? Hell, why don’t they at least tell you HOW IMPORTANT it is to amass an insane amount of internship experience so that employers look at your resume for longer than half a millisecond?

I started at the pulmonary rehab/sleep center over four years ago thinking I would only be there four months to scan patient charts into the computer server. Eventually I worked more and more hours until I had full-time. For the most part I knew I needed something better, but it was so easy to settle in for a while. I did send out my resume on occasion, going to interviews…and still making an ass of myself. Much like putting off a dentist appointment in spite the cavity you pretend isn’t there, I forced myself to believe that maybe this job would change in the long run. Maybe I’ll work my way up.

Yeah right.

Referring back to what I said before, while I didn’t earn a livable income, I still gained valuable experience. I got more interviews when I did send out resumes. At first I was awful, but the last couple interviews I went on actually weren’t so traumatizing. I don’t think there’s a trick to it, or I could’ve landed a better job earlier if only I’d done that. I needed these years to grow. Right now I’m not looking because of the impending knee surgeries, but when I do have to apply again in about six months, I won’t be so nervous. I’ll know what job posts to seek out, if the requirements fit me, what answers to have ready for the interview. If a tiny bit of luck is on my side, I might even do some freelance writing and editing during my recovery.

So I realized all this is why I’m not so anxious anymore. It’s because I have more faith in myself. I can be cynical, and pessimistic, but I won’t let fear of failure stall my ambitions anymore. Then again it could be my pessimism speaking. After the company you work for closes, there’s nowhere left to go but up.